It is almost 2:30am and I am in a huge amount of shoulder pain. The cortisone injection is still, after almost 2 days, continuing to make the pain worse. grrrrrr!
I am terrified to go to sleep. I just spent an hour on FB talking to my good friend Bailee in Utah, whom I have never met, yet she is an Angel! She is a good friend of the family I know out there who use to live here back in 1990-1993 and i cared for their 2 sweet babies. Anyway, Bailee and I chat often. She is 20 and has a lot of the same anxiety and depression and borderline personality issues I have. And she has been a Nanny and also worked with disabled kids in summertime camp. Anyway tonight we talked for an hour mostly about you and my fears and I kept saying I may as well just stop coming to seeing you because my dreams are getting more and more intense and real that somehow very soon you will be gone in some manner. And I cant handle that. I wont know how to function. I wont know what to do. And when I try to think of it I get so anxious my heart sinks I get a huge lump in my throat but I wont let myself cry even though that is what will happen should you be gone. Its litterally the feeling I have when I lost Nana, Uncle Donald, Ashley, Papa, Mom… and three therapists in the past… but this is worse than them. So I should just leave. This isnt normal or good. Now I am crying typing this. What is wrong with me. why cant this go away. i just wantt to tell you alll the things i need to tell you that i havent been telling you because i fear losing you so why tell you anything more? 
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