Parts?

A part of who I am,

is a part of who you tried to make me

I fought you

I still fight you

Is that so hard to understand?

Many hurts

Not enough happiness

Filled with pain till it was too much

Than depleted like it is not enough

Where do I go from here?

Who do I trust?

You?

Me?

Life is a jigsaw puzzle

Always trying to fit the pieces together

Did we ever think

Maybe for one second

They aren’t supposed to fit?

Another night more fear…

It is almost 2:30am and I am in a huge amount of shoulder pain.  The cortisone injection is still, after almost 2 days, continuing to make the pain worse.  grrrrrr!

I am terrified to go to sleep.  I just spent an hour on FB talking to my good friend Bailee in Utah, whom I have never met, yet she is an Angel!  She is a good friend of the family I know out there who use to live here back in 1990-1993 and i cared for their 2 sweet babies.  Anyway, Bailee and I chat often.  She is 20 and has a lot of the same anxiety and depression and borderline personality issues I have.  And she has been a Nanny and also worked with disabled kids in summertime camp.  Anyway tonight we talked for an hour mostly about you and my fears and I kept saying I may as well just stop coming to seeing you because my dreams are getting more and  more intense and real that somehow very soon you will be gone in some manner.  And I cant handle that.  I wont know how to function.  I wont know what to do.  And when I try to think of it I get so anxious my heart sinks I get a huge lump in my throat but I wont let myself cry even though that is what will happen should you be gone.  Its litterally the feeling I have when I lost Nana, Uncle Donald, Ashley, Papa, Mom… and three therapists in the past… but this is worse than them.  So I should just leave.  This isnt normal or good.  Now I am crying typing this.  What is wrong with me.  why cant this go away.  i just wantt to tell you alll the things i need to tell you that i havent been telling you because i fear losing you so why tell you anything more? 

Terrified

Am about to go in for my second sleep study.  I miss my honey already.    And last night I had the absolute most horrid dreams… yes more than one of losing Rose.  I woke and I swear it was the most real thing… as real as my heart was beating as real as I was breathing as real as my mom being gone.  I did not call her today… I was terrified to know.  God plz make this dream go from me… it is terrifying me.  Maybe I need to stop coming to see her.  I am too close.  I get so attached to every therapist but never this fear.  Not like this. 
I have to get into my sleep thing.  I will see Rose at group after I see surgeon about my shoulder.  Grrrr.

Still Insomniac Sept 14, 2010

It is now 5am and I tried again to sleep and woke with a dream someone telling me Rose is gone.  My heart sinks.  Its like I am preparing myself for losing her or something.  Why?  I am having a hard time telling her really what honestly is going on with me because I feel like she is going to be gone.  Wtf is wrong with me? 

Insomniac Sept 14th, 2010

It is 2am September  14, 2010 and I am still awake.  I keep trying to close my eyes to sleep and I hear his voice as though he is in this room.  Leo is sleeping next to me.  I try again and hear him more and feel his big sweaty hand on me as i drift off.  I jump awake.  Why must he still terrorize me this way.  Why must can’t my Mom stop this.  She comes to me in dreams so why cant she come protect me now and make me feel safe now.  This is so not fair.  I don’t ask for much.  I don’t even ask for him to pay.  I don’t even ask to be ever healed from the things he did to me.  I just want my Mother back.  For a day, an hour, 5 minutes even.  To make this all better. 

And Rose… Rose is going to go somewhere.  Somehow she will be taken.  Because i need her.  She is going to be taken.  In some manner.  My brain is trying to wrap itself around the what if Rose goes away suddenly and permanently.  I cannot.  I have these dreams and wake sobbing shaking.  Scared to death I am.

I am going to try to sleep again.

Its been a while

I know it has been wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy too long since I have blogged.  And I need to start doing so.  It is just really really hard to do because it is just the same crap spit out over and over and over.  But Rose tells me that is okay and very “normal”… what is “normal” really”?  She says this crap is so horrific it has to be spewed out until my heart my soul my littles say its safe again, as much as it can be.  So this will be my homework.

Last post for this Blog

I have not blogged here since Christmas.  I have lost words.  But Rose my therapist said there are always words…

There have been changes we decided that I start a new blog.  And I will just write anything that come to me sad, mad, overwhelmed, happy, anything.  I will be doing that this weekend.

CHRISTMAS!!

WE SPENT TODAY WITH OUR NEPHEW AND NIECE AND OUR 2 SWEET GREAT-NEPHEWS.  THEY ARE THE SWEETEST BOYS!!!

HERE ARE SOME PICS OF THEM…  THEY ARE JUST GO GO GO!!!

NOAH AND CALEB IN THE 2FT OF SNOW

NOAH 4 1/2 YRS

CALEB 21MOS OLD

NOAH

CALEB

NOAH IN HIS SUIT

CALEB... THIS IS HOW HE ALWAYS SLEEPS...

CALEB 21MOS OLD

NOAH 4 1/2 YRS OLD

CALEB, DADDY, NOAH

MOMMY AND CALEB

MOMMY AND NOAH

Snow

yup… SNOW!!! 20 INCHES OF IT!!!  thats all i have to say!

oh yeah, and its our 20 month wedding anniversary…

Holiday Blues

I dont know what to say what i need to say how to get it out.  there are no words enough.  my heart just feels so broken and shattered and in a million pieces and HE shredded it all with everything he did to me for all those years especially at the holidays when damn wtf………. a child needs and deserves to be a child not see, hear, feel, know things that no child should ever be exposed to.

I guess i am pissed… JUST PLAIN PISSED… simply because IT FUCKING HURTS… there are no words right now… it just fucking hurts…